Friday, 18 September 2020

Mind Sober Matter


Living inside me lies this voice in my mind, the incessant rambling of my conscience, 

My choice not to listen, now taken from me,  the calm quiet moments of my past history 

I look in the mirror and all that I hear is the hatred he has now and the future he fears

It’s best just to end it he says that a lot, just look at yourself please, you’ll be quickly forgot.

The stick that i have to beat him back with, is a bottle of whisky and a big line of sniff

He doesn’t offend me, when I take that shit, drowned til tomorrow as I take another hit

My head fills with answers, a medical shrink, blood drips from my nose leant over the sink

Psychosis is nonsense, a made up illness, my habit no reason or rhyme for this mess.

I wake up the next day it’s two forty five, my head, face and nose sore, hate being alive

He shouts his displeasure being kept at the back, arrived at his station called full on attack

The cycle repeats now and i feel so depressed, this life not worth paying  the fee from the test

He’s winning the battle of wills in my head, he tells me again that i am better off dead

A friends intervention, my families all there, sitting around me in a forced central chair

They ask me to not lie, be honest this time, if I tell the truth now then it all will be fine

The voice doesn’t like it, he shouts deep inside, tell them to fuck off man, where is your pride

He feeds on depression, self pity and doubt, strengthened by poor choice and not doing without

Advice in abundance now it’s in the open air, there is so much to live for, i’m starting to care 

The voice still inside me but now under my spell, he lives in the shadows now i’m feeling well

The gym work has helped me, lose all the fat weight, my life is much better now without the hate

If reading this poem you hear him as well, just think of one person who’d help you to tell.  

Hardest part over when help was allowed, admitting illness, the voices inside became less loud

Strength found from somewhere, god helped resolve sin, impulse resisted, counted as a big win

So conscious and fretful of falling back to this plight, stand up again braver to restart the fight.

Reflection in the silent mirror the best it can be, voices all gone now except the good inside me. 


Murdock x

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